More than words can say.

More Than Words Can Say

Sarah Flanagan – February 24^th, 2008

What is love? Do we even know? We certainly do not know how to explain, to those we so desire to convey it, our depth of love? It’s completely ironic how the deepest feelings we have are impossible. They don’t fit what we need to express or are capable of uttering. You have heard it said before that, “I love you more that words can say.” That doesn’t get the message across; it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what I need people to feel. I don’t just want them to know; it’s so much more complex that having the words said audibly. For example there one who has inspired my thoughts so far on this subject than ever before, and has caused me to actually write them down tonight. Timothy Patrick Flanagan. I need you, and a few others to know. You laid there helpless in your bed for many days without words, yet you heard us as we spoke to you. What is there to say in a time like that? What can let one human heart feel at peace with saying the right things? The right things cannot be said: they can be attempted, but they’ll never be enough. We’re all inside our own minds with God at times, looking at the world through majestically designed and powerful eyes. Take for example this: the day you opened your eyes and looked at me. What can even possibly use as a description of how that felt. It would be a completely unjust attempt at the rush of powerfully uncontrollable amount of love felt inside of every corner of my weak body as I stood beside your bed and held your hand. Why did God give us this ability to love beyond measure? That’s the thing; it is immeasurable and frustrating at certain times of pain and joy. I said many things, I always say many things. The reason I attempt and cherish the use of words because it almost gets me to a place where maybe, just maybe, you and others can see a glimpse into this incapable heart of mine and my yearning to tell you how I want to send my love to your weaknesses and fears. I want to send them. How do I send my depths to your depths? Why isn’t it possible? That is the way it has always been for families and loved ones. Are they satisfied? Perhaps they realize the sacredness of family and the ability to accept the fact that telling and showing isn’t what families do: they know. I am not certain why my heart wants more. I secretly wish that I could open up my hurts, joys and hope for you, and pour them heavily upon you. If I could link my heart to yours, I would ask my heart to empower yours with all that I dream for you and see in you. Love is scary and beautiful. The one who wants to explain it using feeble attempts feels it passionately. Since we are human and worried about making others uncomfortable, we save our honest depths and thoughts and store them in the corners of our minds. I wish you could go there. If you could see inside the corners and secret places that I save thoughts for you, you would know. I wish you could know. Here is one of the things going through my mind tonight and always for you. This was there before your accident and it remains there, because I don’t know how to replay it to you and bring it any credibility. “Lord, I need my little brother Timothy. When I was 10 and he was 5, we stood together holding hands by the front door of our house. We were scared. There was loudness in our hearts that night. I wasn’t thinking about my safety, I was merely realizing my role in my sweet younger brother’s life. I wanted him secure, and I wanted him to feel safe in this world. I am almost 25, and he just turned 20. I feel the same. I hate the distance that crawled between us as we’ve grown older. The events that now fill up my days are no comparison to the importance of knowing and loving Timothy. I have worried about his safety as he’s grown older. I never wanted to receive a phone call that he was not okay. When that phone call happened Lord; on January 23^rd 2008, my world was completely, yet temporarily stopped. The world shifted beneath me. Lord, I can’t tell Tim how much I love Him, could you tell him for me? Why haven’t you given your followers and beloved ones the ability to express their souls through words? In many ways, you have, but I want deeper. Show me deeper. Tim needs you God. You saved him and you saved my heart. I’ll visit him during his recovery, but in case I can’t find the words, could you connect my heart to yours Lord, and yours to Timothy’s heart and send him my daily message of love? That’s the only bridge I can find. My words are not good enough. Tim will hear me, and I think he knows I love him, but I want him to know for sure. You’re the only perfect message. You’re my only hope to send Tim my deepest most hidden and truly genuine love. Wrap him Lord in your peace, so that he may know our love. Let us not attempt to try so hard, but convince ourselves that it’s not up to us. Each day I’ll think upon him and each day you’ll cover Him like you’ve always done.” Having said all of that, again, I realize my ineptness. This is quite possibly the reason God has given man a limited connection through words and actions. If we were able to completely love each other, maybe we wouldn’t seek with honest brokenness for a Lord we need more than anything else in our existence. I talk to Tim, and loved ones. I write them letters, cards, emails, stories and poems. The reinforcement makes each side feel better for a time, but it fades. Maybe I am naïve and have not yet realized that when someone tells you they love you once, it is good for a lifetime. Tim, our lives have been different in some ways in comparison to others lives. We’ve not been sure of the validity of human word or action. It takes me awhile to be convinced of genuine feelings. I don’t know your perspective on it all. I don’t have words little brother; I am just like everyone else. I will always tell you that I love you, and more importantly, I will show you my passionate concern for your well-being and happiness. So, in knowing that words will never be enough along the journey; I will attempt to use a few. I love you. I have loved you since the day you were born, and every day in between. Your safety has always been one of my concerns. Your smile warms my soul. I am proud of you. You have taught me more than you’ll ever know. I enjoy being with you, it gives me a feeling of closeness to you that encourages my depths. I don’t always understand what you’re going through, but I understand going through unbearable times. I’ve know your journey, and I know it hasn’t been easy. I’ve always wanted to shelter you from pain. I would take your pain upon myself with no thought if I were given the chance. I know you love me too. I think you’re smart, strong and completely capable of whatever God lays before you. I have always dreamed to know that you talk to God and ask him to carry you through this crazy world. I always speak highly of you to those I know. You complete our family, and without you I don’t think I could have continued to be who I want to be. You help to fill in the missing colors to our paint by number dreams. You’re going to make changes in this world that will be unforgettable by many. You are a man of strong character and you are capable of much. Tim, “Live You Life on Purpose.” I want to do the same. We’ll do it together, and we’ll do life together. You’re never alone. Words are never enough, and I struggle with the battle of understanding that fact within the binds of my finite mind. Those are a few things I have not always shared, but there is so much more than I even realize. Know that it’s there. Know that the Lord is our bridge to each other and he’ll show you His love and mind.